Hubie's World Cup 'love letter'

Dear Wife   1.     Between 12 June and 13 July 2014, you should read the sports news online or in the newspaper daily, so that you are aware of what is going on with regards to the World Cup, so that you will be able to join in the relevant conversations that will ensue. If you fail to do this, you will then be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

 2.    During the World Cup, the biggest television in the house is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even look at the remote control, things won't be pretty for you!

3.    If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.

4.    During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. If you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, do a child pick-up or drop-off, or even pick up the baby that just fell on the floor, it won't happen.

5.    It would be a good idea for you to keep at least a bottle of Appleton Rum on hand at all times, as well as a couple six packs of beer in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please don't make funny faces or give an attitude to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 8 p.m. and 10 a.m., unless they replay a good game that I somehow missed or just want to watch again.

6.    Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams team is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me more angry and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me.

7.    You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the ads are on, and only if the half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8.    The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again, and many more times on the sports news and YouTube.

9.    Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, christenings, or any other child related parties or gatherings during the World Cup where my attendance might be required because:
a)    I will not go,
b)    I will not go, and
c)    I will not go.

10.  But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house to watch a game, I will be there in a flash.

11.   The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this, why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12.  Please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because before and after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Spanish League, Bundesliga, Italian League, 20/20 cricket, grand prix racing etc.

13. If you are heard referring to Cristiano Ronaldo, Hulk or any other players as 'cute', you will be banished from my presence for the rest of the World Cup.

P/S: If you get stuck on the road call 119 or JAA.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.
Husband/Boyfriend/Lover